Gov',t job

[tcraft]

Coffee & Testicles

A guy goes to the Post Office
to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him,
“Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”
“OK, have you ever been in the military service?”
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points
toward employment.”
“Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes, a bomb exploded near me and
I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says,
“OK, you’ve got enough points
for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8am to 4pm.
“You can start tomorrow at 10am,
and plan on starting every day at 10am.”

The guy is puzzled and asks,
“If the work day starts at 8am,
why don’t you want me here until 10am?”

“This is a government job,” the interviewer says.
“For the first 2 hours
we stand around drinking coffee,
and scratching our balls…
no point in you coming in for that.”

[mohawktipi]

Re: Gov',t job

Those who can - do. Those who can't - teach. Those who can't teach - manage web sites.

[partyofone]

Re: Gov',t job

I guess that means I can't since I am a teacher. At least I don't have to manage a website.

[Robert Lees]

Re: Gov',t job

Tom, with my Brit sense of humour & fair play, that's very unfair.

[magman]

Re: Gov',t job

" Those that can't teach- teach teachers".

They may have wanted to be an Administrator but were concerned

with the mandatory operation where 1/2 of the brain is removed.

[partyofone]

Re: Gov',t job

Oh no, I'm screwed. i have an administrative certificate too.

[3Dreaming]

Re: Gov',t job

" Those that can't teach- teach teachers".

They may have wanted to be an Administrator but were concerned

with the mandatory operation where 1/2 of the brain is removed.

You mean a sex change operation.

[tcraft]

Re: Gov',t job

pays about the same.

[jim cooper]

Re: Gov',t job

or the old one....State Roads employee calls office from job site declaring "We forgot to bring the shovels". Reply was " Lean on each other until we get there."JC

[Larry Lyons]

Re: Gov',t job

Another, not PC, oldie.
The driver of a state truck is told to stop! After he stops the passenger gets, walks around back, grabs a shovel and starts beating up something behind the truck. Aftert a few good swigs he climbs back in the the cab and the driver asks him what was he doing back there. The passenger says he was tired of that damned turtle following them around all day, so he killed it.

No one is safe on this thread! L

[Buell Powell]

Re: Gov',t job

Those who can - do. Those who can't - teach. Those who can't teach - manage web sites.

For the teachers out there.

[tcraft]

Re: Gov',t job

YOU WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT IF...

* You understand the rationalization of an acronym comprised of acronyms.
* You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
* You know that the location of a meeting is directly related to its importance:
(1) A meeting at Fort Hood requires a subordinate or a contractor.
(2) The same meeting at Lake Tahoe requires your personal attention.
* You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
* You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
* The process becomes more important than the product.
* You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
* You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
* You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
* You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
* You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
* You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
* You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.
* Your name plate is attached with Velcro.
* Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
* The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.
* When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
* You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
* Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
* Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
* You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
* You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
* It's dark when you drive to and from work.
* Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
* Communication is something your group is having problems with.
* You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
* Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
* Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
* Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
* Art involves a white board.
* You're already late on the assignment you just got.
* You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
* Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
* Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
* Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
* Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
* Change is the norm.
* Nepotism is encouraged.
* The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.
* You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
* You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.

[tcraft]

Re: Gov',t job

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. However, the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!" Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. However, the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?” The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

[tcraft]

Re: Gov',t job

Government Contracting Definitions Printer Friendly Page Tell a Friend

CONTRACTOR -- A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

BID OPENING -- A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

BID -- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

LOW BIDDER -- A contractor who is wondering what he left out of his bid.

ENGINEER'S ESTIMATE -- The cost of construction in heaven.

PROJECT MANAGER -- The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

CRITICAL PATH METHOD - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

OSHA -- A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney -- usually applied at random
with a shotgun.

STRIKE -- An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

DELAYED PAYMENT -- A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

COMPLETION DATE -- The point at which liquidated damages begin.

LIQUIDATED DAMAGES -- A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

AUDITOR -- People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.

LAWYER -- People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.

[tcraft]

Re: Gov',t job

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow."

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet."

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45!"