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So I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? 'And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
~~~~~~
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
~~~~~~
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.....
~~~~~~
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
~~~~~~
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
~~~~~~
Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
~~~~~~
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? 'And a voice said 'You are.'
~~~~~~
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
~~~~~~
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
~~~~~~
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
~~~~~~
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
~~~~~~
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
~~~~~~
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
~~~~~~
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'