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For those doing your own maintenance, the following glossary is provided:
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and expensive leather clothing.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease
out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering vehicles to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering vehicles
upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after
determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you
thought.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can
double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil
filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened
60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
DREMEL - A rotary tool used to make a 5 minute job take 2 hours and to
make material, which should remain in place, turn into artistic dust.
Its high-pitched scream sends out a subliminal message of "Feed Me! Feed Me!" which is readily picked up by the receptors of the Male Brain. If not used with correct PPE, it can cause the break-up of relationships when the operator submits to its call for him to engrave his name on everything in the household.
EXTENSION LEAD - Item used in conjunction with Dremel in order to
increase the sphere of influence. In ideal circumstances, it can allow
the operator to engrave his name throughout parts of his neighbours'
households (I have no idea how they knew it was me).
RING SPANNER - Designed specifically to fit over the Open-Ender Jaws of
a Combination Spanner to use as a Cheater Bar to round-off Bolt Heads
that are proving difficult to round-off with conventional Tools.
Provides the option of snapping off the Bolt Head to enable the use of
whatever you have left in that set of EZ-Outs.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far
from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on boxes containing seats and expensive leather clothing.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.
VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease
out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you
to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering vehicles to the ground
after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping
the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering vehicles
upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build-up
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the
tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have
forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric
acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after
determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you
thought.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
which is not otherwise found under vehicles at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be
used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can
double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil
filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened
60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
DREMEL - A rotary tool used to make a 5 minute job take 2 hours and to
make material, which should remain in place, turn into artistic dust.
Its high-pitched scream sends out a subliminal message of "Feed Me! Feed Me!" which is readily picked up by the receptors of the Male Brain. If not used with correct PPE, it can cause the break-up of relationships when the operator submits to its call for him to engrave his name on everything in the household.
EXTENSION LEAD - Item used in conjunction with Dremel in order to
increase the sphere of influence. In ideal circumstances, it can allow
the operator to engrave his name throughout parts of his neighbours'
households (I have no idea how they knew it was me).
RING SPANNER - Designed specifically to fit over the Open-Ender Jaws of
a Combination Spanner to use as a Cheater Bar to round-off Bolt Heads
that are proving difficult to round-off with conventional Tools.
Provides the option of snapping off the Bolt Head to enable the use of
whatever you have left in that set of EZ-Outs.