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Tools
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, "Yeou sh$t...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs
too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used
in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool
used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing
jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to
prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you
want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly
for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been
searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake
shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire
wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off
in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing
another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CR AFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry
bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using
this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by
someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make
gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as
seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
you will need.
(;f
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against that
freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of
light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, "Yeou sh$t...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs
too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used
in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool
used by all women.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing
jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into
a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to
prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the
palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also
handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you
want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly
for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been
searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used
to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile
to the ground after you have installed your new brake
shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an
automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack
handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire
wheel wires.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off
in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily
used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing
another line of work.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.
CR AFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry
bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined
screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of
vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits
aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light
bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
seals under lids and for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to
strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using
this tool.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by
someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.
Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to
replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make
gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front
door; works particularly well on contents such as
seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles,
collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of
your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that
you will need.
(;f
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