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Radio Gotchyas reviewed. Still funny!

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  • Radio Gotchyas reviewed. Still funny!

    Subject: Heard While Flying The Friendly Skies
    From:

    Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
    TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
    Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
    ************************************************** ****

    From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
    f...ing bored!"
    Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
    immediately!"
    Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
    ************************************************** ****************
    O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
    Fokker, (German designed aircraft) one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
    United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little
    Fokker in sight."
    ************************************
    A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
    to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
    position?"
    Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
    ************************************************** ****************
    A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
    after touching down.
    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
    the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
    off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
    ************************************************** ****************
    There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
    because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air
    Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52
    that had one engine shut down.
    "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
    ************************************************** ********************
    A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the
    following:
    Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
    Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
    Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
    Germany. Why must I speak English?"
    Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because
    you lost the bloody war!"
    ************************************************** ********************
    Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
    124.7"
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
    we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
    runway."
    Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
    Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
    BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
    we copied Eastern...we've already notified our caterers."
    ************************************************** ********************
    One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
    the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
    around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
    Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What
    a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
    The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I
    made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough
    parts for another one."
    ************************************************** *****************
    The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
    short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
    location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
    with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
    exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
    sign Speedbird 206.

    Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
    Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
    The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
    Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
    Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
    Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
    to Frankfurt before?"
    Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
    didn't land."
    ************************************************** ********************
    While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
    departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
    United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
    screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn
    right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right onto Delta! Stop right there. I
    know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get
    it right!"

    Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
    hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
    sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
    can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want
    you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
    got that, US Air 2771?"

    "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
    communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US
    Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in
    her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was
    definitely running high.

    Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
    asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
    ----------------------------------------------------
    Richard Young
    TOC,TF #12
    46 BC12-D N44342
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